S3 Episode 5: Never Be Ashame

Description of Image: Black background On the left is an African American female with a white off the shoulder shirt in a wheelchair. Then Queens On A Roll in Gray Letters with a purple outline with a crown on the Q. The word Roll looks like a wheelchair and the word podcast in Gray Letters with a purple outline in all four corners

In this episode I get very vulnerable when I explain why I have been on a long hiatus, but not only am I doing that I also encouraging you to never be ashame and speak your truth! So Come Roll with Us!

Transcript

(Instrumental Music) You gotta Dstackz Beat

(Instrumental Music) Yeah I gotta Dstackz Beat

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(Instrumental Music) Listen to the beat y'all

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(Instrumental Music) Come on, Dstackz, bring it in

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(Instrumental Music & Singing) Heyyyyy, Heyyy, Heyy, Hey

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(Instrumental Music & Singing) Wooo Queens On A Roll, Woohoo Queens On A Roll

(Instrumental Music) Powerful Queen On A Roll

(Instrumental Music & Singing) Beautiful Queens, Queens, Queens On A Roll

(Instrumental Music & Singing) We're moving, we're grooving, we're jamming we're slamming Queens On A Roll

(Instrumental Music) We're moving, we're grooving, we're jamming, we're slamming Queens, Queens, Queens On A Roll.

(Instrumental Music) She's educating and inspiring everyone that has challenges Queens, Queens On A Roll.

(Instrumental Music) She's educating and inspiring everyone and having fun she's Queens On A Roll

(Instrumental Music & Singing) Wooo Queens On A Roll OOO Who Queen On A Roll

(Instrumental Music & Singing) Powerful Queens On A Roll

(Instrumental Music & Singing) Beautiful Queen On A Roll

(Instrumental Music & Singing) Come Roll With Us, OO Who Come Roll with Us

(Instrumental Music & Singing) Come Roll With Us, Woohoo Come Roll with Us!

(Instrumental Music & Singing) Wooo Queen On A Roll, Wooo Who Queen On A Roll

(Instrumental Music & Singing) Ooo Queens, Queens, Queens & Bells Chiming

Hey Everyone! and Welcome back

to Queens On A Roll podcast.

This is Latavia here, and I have my

lovely friend Luis here with me today. Hey, Luis!

Hey, guys! Glad to be back.

We're glad to have you back!

How are you doing?

Doing pretty good. How are you?

I'm doing great!

So before we get into today's episode.....

(Its Time For Roll Call Sound Effect)

I would like to thank Shontae Usman for

her donation to Queens On A Roll podcast.

Thank you so much for supporting me.

I know I have been on a long hiatus, and

you still have continued to support me, so I just

want to say thank you so, so, so very much.

You are awesome!

(Cheering Sound Effect)

Alright so we decided to flip the script today,

and Luis is going to interview me.

(What?? Sound Effect)

Yes, that's right.

You heard me right.

Luis will be interviewing me for today's episode.

This should be very interesting.

I can't wait. Let's see.

All right, Luis, you ready to roll? I'm ready.

All right, let's roll.

(Instrumental Music)

So the question on everybody's mind is, why haven't there

been any new episodes of Queens On A Roll?

There hasn't been any new episodes

because I have been in counseling. Really? Yes.

And how's that been going?

It's been going great, actually.

Why did you feel you needed counseling?

So its.. (Story Time Sound Effect)

So back in 2020 all the way up till January 

of this year, I have experienced a lot of loss.

It started with my Grandpa on my dad's side,

and shortly after him, I lost a very good

friend of mine that I had known since preschool.

Then in January of 2021, I lost

my Grandma on my mom's side.

Then a few months after my grandmother, I

lost another close friend of mine unexpectedly.

Then a Few months after her, I lost another close

friend who I have known since preschool as well.

Then shortly after that, my Aunt

on my Dad's side passed away.

Then my Godmother passed away in 2022, and

my mom's baby brother, my uncle, passed away. Then Mr.

Santos, who Was a guest on the podcast and like a

second father to me, passed away in January of this year.

So I felt like my village was disappearing.

But I chose to deal with the grief by diving deeper

into my work, and I thought that was helping me cope.

It wasn't until my mom said to me,

I think you need to go into counseling.

You're a little snappy, moody, and you don't want

to do the things that you love to do.

And I'm used to seeing you up and vibrant and you know just

outgoing, and even your aunt notices a difference in you.

It wasn't until then that I decided to

say, like, okay, I'll go back into counseling.

I'll do it again. Right.

So before you actually take on

counseling sessions, they give you a

consultation, and the consultation's free.

So I did the consultation, and I

was about five minutes into the consultation,

and I just started crying uncontrollably.

When I tell you uncontrollably, I mean uncontrollably.

Like, it was really, really bad.

And so that's when I realized, like,

no, I really do need therapy.

I need to work through all this grief.

The way that I was coping isn't really helping me

cope, and I do need to go back to therapy.

So then from that moment on, I started therapy.

(Delayed Beat Sound Effect)

So, yeah, that's uh enough to make anybody spiral.

And you felt like the counseling was helping?

Yes, it definitely was, and still is,

because I'm still going through therapy. Luis: mhmm

But when I started it, for me, it was about getting

over the grief and finding a way to move forward.

Because when I tell you, I was in such a

space where I felt like I'm in this hole, and

the hole just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger,

and every time I try to dig myself out, I

can't I keep falling back in the hole.

That was the space that I was in. Luis: Mhmm

But as I began to go through the sessions and

my therapist began to peel back the layers, she was

like, you know it's also about loss, that these loss have impacted

you to where you now want to live your life.

And I felt like that like you know life is so short now.

I just want to live my life because

you never know when the time comes.

And so, yes, it was about that initially, Luis: mhmm but it's

also about you know having a disability and being cognitively okay and

still having goals that you wannna  reach, but because

you have the disability, you have to go around it

and do it a bit differently and do things differently,

which can be extremely frustrating. Luis: mhmm

(Stair Climbing Sound Effect)

This is another revelation that I had

in therapy when I was younger.

I coped with having a disability by you know if I

can achieve great things, then society won't look at

me as another person in a wheelchair who isn't

gonna be a productive member of society.

So I kept achieving and kept achieving and

kept achieving and reached these new heights.

But society still looks at me sometimes as like,

you can't be a productive member of society, right.

So the little girl in me was like, man, if I do

all these things, then people will see me as an equal as

I got to be older, I'm like, that's not true. You know

I'm still doing all these great things, and I'm

great in my profession, but still people still view

me as someone who can't be a productive member

of society because I'm in a wheelchair.

So then I began to realize that that's why I

worked so hard to be where I am today, right,

so that I could get rid of those misconceptions.

That was my way of coping, but

now it's not working for me anymore.

So it then evolved into finding another coping mechanism

for, like, when days get rough of being in

a wheelchair, because we all have those days.

How do I go with the motion and go with

the flow of it being a rough day right.

And not internalize it as

there's something wrong with me?

So that's where therapy has left me.

It's left me with understanding that it's a

combination of a lot of different things.

So I'm beginning to peel back those layers

and work through the issues that I'm having. Yeah.

I think most people don't understand the

impact that therapy can have on someone. Yeah.

Which brings me back to my original point of the

mind and body always being in competition with each other.

So your mind is that of an able body person. Right.

And you set up this timetable for yourself and you

say, okay, I'm gonna achieve this at this time.

But because of your physical limitations,

you might not meet that timetable.

And like I said, that can be extremely frustrating.

Your mind and your body is

always competing with each other.

But when I brought that up to my therapist, she

was like, okay, what does independence mean to you?

And that was very eye opening for me, because

then I realized independence for me was making sure

that able bodied people viewed me as a productive

member of society, that I was able to do

everything on my own and not need any help. Right.

But she said to me, is that truly independence?

Because everyone needs someone to help them.

So you may need to

redefine your definition of independence.

I don't know, Luis.

Have you ever felt like that? I have.

I mean, I know what you mean.

Society has this whole perception of we can't do a lot

of things that able bodied people can do, and then you

have this weight on your shoulders that you want to prove

them wrong, so yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Yeah, it is a huge weight.

Not to mention I'm African American,

I'm female and I'm disabled.

So for me, there's always been this amount of pressure

to be the best that you can be, because if

you don't show your best and you fail and you

trip up, people are always gonna think, oh, you

couldn't be a productive member of society.

So it's a huge, huge weight that I carried

around, and I didn't even know I was

carrying it around until I started therapy.

And you know just being in therapy, it's opening

my eyes up to a lot.

And I also think it also has

to do with just turning 30.

I mean, you begin to look at life differently. Yeah

You plan to have your life all in order by the

time you're 30, and then you wanna have like time to

go on vacation and sightsee different countries and everything.

But in reality, you feel like you haven't gotten

to where you think you should have been.

And when I see my able body peers and

they're reaching their goals, it gets frustrating because it's

like, yeah, I wanna do that. Makes sense.

And I never think our able body peers

will understand that aspect of our lives. No.

And then when people say you've overcome, there's still obstacles that

I go through on a daily it is my life.

It's like I've overcome that hurdle,

but there's more hurdles to go. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah

When it comes to us, there'll always be like steps that

we wanna take, but we have to get there

in different ways that most people have gotten there.

Yeah,

(Cartoon Twinkle Sound Effect)

That's how it is for me in the female perspective

but how is it for you in the male perspective?

Technically, I don't think it really

has to do with genders.

I mean, we're both pretty much in the same boat.

We have a lot of peers that are able bodied.

We see them moving up in life and doing things

that by now we thought we would be doing.

But it's taking us a lot

longer to get to that destination.

So we just need to keep fighting and fighting.

Yeah, that's true.

Like even though it's not a gender thing.

But I've always wondered like if it is tougher for

men because you know that whole societal men are

like the providers of the house and the protectors.

So like how do you feel about it?

Yeah, yeah from that perspective, it could definitely

be tough, but you have to find

ways to get around that mindset. Yeah.

Does it ever get exhausting for you? Oh, yeah. Yeah

Like you said, it's a big weight

on our shoulders, but can't give up.

That's pretty much how I think of it.

And that's how I've thought about it. Right.

Like, just keep pushing.

But I think I was at a point of

exhaustion and so counseling was really, really good for me.

I think the one thing that I've learned is like

my therapist always says like, you're gonna face adversity.

Right.

In the meantime of you facing adversity,

you have to feed your soul. Luis: Mhmm

So in the sense of you still have to

do things that are going to make you happy,

you have to go out and enjoy yourself. Luis: Mhmm

So that's why I took a bit of a break from the

podcast, because I was just trying to get back to me and

find that joy again, which I now have found the joy.

I'm still doing therapy.

It's an ongoing process for me but I'm

now getting back to that joyful space.

Yeah, I commend you for still going through to therapy.

I mean, I think most people should go

to therapy cause they could let out their you know

frustrations and see where that's coming from.

But yeah, you definitely deserve all

the joy in your life.

Aww Thank you so much, Luis.

I really appreciate that.

(Cartoon Bongos Sound Effect)

So since you haven't been doing the podcast,

what kind of things have you been doing?

So I've been going out to concerts cause,

again, it's all about feeding my soul. Luis: Mhmmm

So I've been going out to concerts, comedy shows.

Those are the things that I love to do.

I've been doing a lot of reading.

I love reading.

I love, love, love building Lego models, but so even

though I haven't been doing episodes right.

I've also been doing a little bit of

advocacy on the side, so presentations for people

about living as a person with disability or

stigmas that may be attached to it.

And I've also created a video, I wanna say,

about two weeks ago to fight for the braces and

orthotics industry, because where I go to get my braces

done, my leg braces, JK Prosthetics and Orthotics, so they

have closed their doors, and now it's leaving me wondering

where I'm going to get my braces done.

Because I've been going there for 30 years

to get braces, and without these braces, it's

hard for me to stand and walk.

And the only reason why they're not open is because

the Medicaid HMOs are paying them 1985 rates for braces.

So that doesn't even cover like the full cost of braces.

So that's why they're struggling.

The industry as a whole is struggling. What do you mean?

Like 1985 rates?

Like $19.85? No.

So Medicaid has a pay rate scale and

they're only paying them rates from 1985. Oh, wow. Yes.

And it's not straight medicaid. It's the medicaid. HMOs.

So they're actually losing money. Right.

They're on the losing end.

Like I said, the thing that frustrates me the

most is that there is a bill in Congress

that can stop this, called the Medicaid Parity Bill.

So to see a place that I've known for

years close their doors when there's something that can

be done, it just hurts me to my heart.

And I made a video imploring people to call their

congressmen and women and tell them to pass the Medicaid

Parity Bill because that's what will keep the doors open.

That's what will keep this service alive.

There's no reason why we should always

be put on the back burner.

So this bill, what would exactly do if they do pass it?

So if they pass the Medicaid Parity

Bill, they'll get fully reimbursed for braces

and orthotics from the Medicaid HMOs

So no more 1985 rates? No more.

So it seems like a no brainer

that this bill should be passed. Yeah, it does.

But once again, it always feels like we're forgotten.

Yeah.

So that's what I've been doing in my

spare time, but I did miss you guys.

So I am back.

I'm in a good space to record,

so episodes will be coming out.

I decided that this was an episode that I wanted

to do because I also kind of wanted to raise

awareness and get rid of the stigma of seeking counseling.

Right.

Everybody always says, like, oh, if

you're going to counseling, you're crazy.

No, it helps tremendously.

It definitely does.

I can see how it's helped you.

Yeah, counseling is good.

And one thing I would say is

check on your friends, 

(Instrumental Music)

So now it is time for the quote of the episode.

Luis, you want to take it away? Sure.

So a quote I found which really resonates with

this episode is, those seeking therapy are not weak.

It takes emotional strength to

open up about your struggles.

Yeah, that definitely goes back to what I was saying.

Just because you decided to go to

counseling doesn't make you a weak person.

It actually makes you stronger because you recognize that you

have a problem and you're trying to fix it.

Yeah, it's definitely a strength if you're you know able to

open up about your struggles and not bottle them

up and let them torment your life.

Yeah, definitely.

So I encourage everyone, please do

not be afraid to seek help.

On that note, guys, this is the end of the episode.

Thank you so, so much for listening.

I appreciate you all.

If you would like to donate to Queens On

A Roll podcast, I have a patreon account.

There's four tiers up there for you to choose from.

You can follow me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and

all the streaming platforms where you can get podcasts.

Again, thank you so, so much for listening.

I greatly appreciate it!

Again, Luis, thank you so much! Of course.

It's been a pleasure being here.

I appreciate you always. Always.

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(Instrumental Music)

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